It’s been awhile since I wrote a post. Overall, I’m feeling a lot of self-doubt and worry lately. My annual assessment at work is approaching. While I feel really good about it and expect to be promoted, I feel like I should be more passionate about my work. I doubt government consulting is ever going to be that way. I’m doing okay on my New Year’s Resolutions. I’m still drinking a little too much Diet Coke, buying a few too many coffee and pastries and haven’t made much effort to volunteer. But overall, I’m okay with where I’m at, with the recognition I could do better.
There have been some fun moments this winter. My friend’s birthday party that involved a stripper another friend found on Craiglist who just did it for the voyeuristic thrill. Only in the gay world! My roommate and I hosted a really nice brunch for friends and had a group of people over for game night, which was also a blast.
My biggest sadness is the lack of a relationship. I sent DC a thoughtful Valentine’s Day note, which he acknowledged the same day by saying he was really touched. So, I put myself out there by suggesting I could visit him bc my roommate is traveling to NYC often to see the guy she’s dating. No response. I sent a text message last week saying I was thinking about him. No response. In what in retrospect was probably a desperate, sad move, I e-mailed to see if he changed his phone number. Guys love a lack of self-confidence, right? I’m being ironic. Oh yea, the guy on my last date passed out/fell asleep while we were making out. Awesome.
Loneliness.
For the past week, I wake up in a fog. I hit the snooze alarm until I absolutely have to go to work. I feel lousy when I crawl out of bed. I go through the motions at work, just trudging through. The worst is that I’m projecting on the outside what I feel on the inside more often of late. I sigh. I speak quietly. I avert my eyes. I’m silent. There’s no emotion in my voice.
Worry.
I wonder where my job is going. What I’m going to do when my roommate leaves. How much the rent is going to increase. Whether I’ll be able to find someone who wants to go to a wedding in May with me (probably not). How I’m going to get away this summer. How many of my “friends” are friends for the long haul. Whether I might be depressed and need therapy.
Self-doubt
When will my confidence be restored? When will I genuinely look forward to something again?
